Okay babes, let’s get cozy. I’m currently wrapped in my crusty-but-comfy Harry Styles merch hoodie, nibbling gluten-free banana bread that definitely saw better days, when this random thought punched me in the face: Why do we keep expired friendships like moldy leftovers in our emotional fridge? 🧐
Last month, I did something dramatic – I Marie Kondo’d my entire friend circle. Not the gentle “does this spark joy?” kind. More like that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Miranda Priestly chucks her fur coat on the table. Except instead of couture, it was a decade-long friendship that had turned…well, let’s just say more toxic than my middle school AIM away messages.
Here’s the tea ☕:
A 2019 UCLA study found that chronic stress from negative relationships increases cortisol levels by 28% – that’s the same hormonal spike as drinking 4 espressos before bed! I learned this the hard way when my dermatologist asked if I’d “recently survived a warzone” during my annual skin check. Turns out, my “ride-or-die” Sarah had been casually negging my life choices since 2015 (“Cute apartment…for someone making entry-level money!” 👀).
The Friendship Autopsy Report 🧪:
1. The Energy Vampires 🧛♀️
You know the type – they text “U up?” at 2AM to trauma-dump about their Tinder date’s toe fungus, but ghost when you mention your promotion. Psychologist Dr. Marisa Franco (author of Platonic) calls these “lopsided liquidity relationships” – all withdrawals, no deposits.
2. The Chronic Competitors 🏆
My former friend Jessica would literally one-up my food poisoning stories. “You threw up 3 times? I did 5 while reciting the periodic table!” Girl, this isn’t the Trauma Olympics.
3. The Ghosts 👻
Not the Casper kind. The “Let’s totally get brunch!” types who’ve been “rescheduling” since the Obama administration. Pro tip: If their last Instagram story has a “10 Year Challenge” post, let them stay in 2013.
The Breakup Protocol 💔
I didn’t send a PowerPoint (though tempted). Instead, I used the “Polaroid Method” – asking myself: Does this relationship develop like a beautiful memory, or fade like an old photo? When Sarah criticized my new job for the 14th time (“But you’ll have to wear pants!”), I realized our picture had developed permanent stains.
The Glow-Up Report Card 📈
– 62% decrease in stress acne (RIP $98 concealer)
– Joined a pottery class → met Claire who brings homemade kombucha to our wheel sessions
– Finally finished writing my novel’s chapter 1 (take that, creative block!)
Your Action Plan 🗓️
This week, try my “Friendship Weather Report” trick: After each interaction, note if you feel:
☀️ Sunny (energized)
⛅ Partly Cloudy (neutral)
🌪️ Tornado Warning (drained)
Track patterns for 2 weeks. If someone’s giving you constant hurricane alerts? Time to become their personal FEMA and evacuate.
Remember queens: Friendships should be greenhouse gardens, not haunted houses. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with my new plant babies and a much quieter group chat. 🌿💅
