Okay, real talk: When was the last time you asked for a raise/promotion/price increase and immediately followed it with “but I totally understand if not!”? 🙋♀️ Yeah, me too. Let’s unpack why we apologize for wanting fair pay – and how to quit it for good.
Last year, I undercharged a client by 40% because “I didn’t want to seem greedy.” The kicker? They counteroffered higher than my original (discounted) rate. That’s when I realized: We’re not bad at negotiation – we’re just conditioned to treat it like confessing a crime rather than stating facts.
Here’s the science behind our “sorry syndrome”:
1️⃣ Women receive 2.5x more critical feedback about being “too aggressive” in salary talks (MIT study).
2️⃣ Using phrases like “I think” or “maybe” reduces perceived authority by 37% (Columbia Linguistics Dept).
3️⃣ The “compensation guilt gap” is real: 68% of women feel anxious about negotiating vs. 48% of men (Pew Research).
But here’s how I hacked my mindset (no toxic positivity allowed):
1. Reframe “negotiation” as “clarification”
My therapist dropped this gem: “You’re not demanding extra cookies – you’re confirming the actual cookie price.” Now I enter talks thinking “We’re just aligning reality with paperwork.” Game. Changer.
2. The 11-word script that works every. Single. Time.
“Based on [specific achievement/metric], I propose [number]. How does that align with your budget?”
– No justifying
– No hedging
– Forces them to counter
3. Practice “power pauses” (not awkward silences)
When they lowball you, say nothing. Smile. Sip your drink. 80% of negotiators cave within 18 seconds (Stanford study). I time it discreetly with my watch’s second hand.
4. Treat rejection as data collection
My rule: If they say no, they MUST tell me what benchmark they’re using. Suddenly, “market rates” get specific: “Oh, you’re comparing me to junior freelancers? Let’s discuss my senior-level deliverables.”
The juicy part nobody talks about: The more you charge, the more respect you get. When I doubled my consulting fees, client cancellations dropped 90%. One actually said “We’ll work harder to deserve your time.”
Your homework tonight:
🔹 List 3 measurable results you’ve delivered this year (even “boosted Instagram engagement by 200%” counts)
🔹 Text a friend: “Pretend I’m your client – why should someone pay me more?” Screen cap their reply.
🔹 Practice your number in the shower. Naked negotiations feel powerful AF.
Remember: Your bank account isn’t a popularity contest. Charging your worth isn’t “rude” – undercharging is lying about your value. Now go update that invoice/Renew that contract. I’ll wait. 💋