Okay, real talk—when was the last time you scrolled through your contacts and thought, “Wait… do I even like these people?” 💅 Let me paint you a picture: Last year, I found myself at a rooftop party sipping lukewarm rosé while someone monologued about their crypto portfolio. As I mentally calculated how fast I could Uber home, it hit me: This isn’t friendship—it’s emotional tax evasion.
That’s when I started my “Friendship Glow-Up” journey. Not gonna lie, it felt like Marie Kondo-ing my soul. But here’s the tea: curating your inner circle isn’t ruthless—it’s radical self-care.
The “Vibe Check” Revelation
I used to collect friends like vintage teacups—pretty but gathering dust. Then I stumbled on a Yale study (yes, I hyperfixate-read research papers) showing people with 3-5 close confidants live longer and handle stress better. Three to five. My group chat alone had 12 people who still didn’t know my coffee order.
So I created a Friendship Audit Checklist:
1️⃣ Do they remember your pet’s name?
2️⃣ Can you ugly-cry in their passenger seat?
3️⃣ Do they hype your wins harder than their own?
My results? Oof. Half my “squad” failed question 1. One actually asked if my cat was “the orange one or…?” Babe, I’ve had the same void-black cat for 7 years. 🐈⬛
The Upgrade Formula
Here’s what worked for me:
1. The Slow Fade ≠ Ghosting
When Jessica-from-yoga kept “forgetting” my birthday but expected me to plan hers? I stopped initiating. Three months later, she unmatched me on Bumble BFF. No drama—just natural selection.
2. Friendship Résumés Are Real
Met my now-bestie at a pottery class when she laughed at my lopsided mug. Our first deep convo? Trading trauma stories over matcha lattes. She’s now my designated “proofreader” for shady texts to exes.
3. Energy Accounting 101
Track interactions for a week. I realized:
– 45 mins with my anxious friend = needing a 2-hour nap
– 3 hours with my artist friend = feeling inspired to finally start that podcast
The Magic of Vertical Friendships
My therapist taught me this term: relationships that help you grow up (grow + glow up). Last month, my mentor-friend pushed me to negotiate a 20% raise. “They’ll never say yes if you don’t ask,” she said, texting me affirmations before the meeting. Spoiler: They said yes. 💰
When to Break Up (Like a Grown-Ass Woman)
Had to end a 10-year friendship last winter. She’d constantly “joke” about my single status while dating a guy who still used Myspace. My script: “I’ve realized we want different things. I’ll always cherish our memories.” No blame-shifting—just clean closure.
The ROI of Real Friends
Six months into my glow-up, here’s my life upgrade:
✅ 72% less Sunday Scaries (actual journal stats!)
✅ Launched my creative biz with squad support
✅ Got through family drama without spiraling
So here’s your permission slip: Not every friendship needs to be forever. Keep the ones who make you feel like the main character—not the exhausted sidekick. Now if you’ll excuse me, my girls are waiting. We’re doing face masks and ranking our ex’s red flags. Priority: the guy who thought “sushi” meant gas station California rolls. 🍣💀