You know that moment when you’re halfway through apologizing for… existing in a work meeting? 🫠 Last Tuesday, I caught myself saying “Sorry, maybe this is dumb, but…” before pitching an idea that literally saved a client project. Later, while brushing my teeth, I stared at my reflection and thought: When did I become my own biggest critic?
Turns out, I’m not alone. A study from Stanford’s Center on Longevity found women in their 30s experience a 74% increase in self-doubt compared to their 20s. Why? We’re navigating career pivots, relationships, societal expectations about “having it all” – all while being bombarded with Instagram filters and “girlboss” propaganda. But here’s the plot twist no one tells you: Your 30s are actually your superpower era.
Let’s unpack this with science AND sass.
The Mirror Moment (No, Not That TikTok Trend)
At 31, I became weirdly obsessed with forehead lines. Not because I minded aging, but because my (now ex-) boyfriend joked I looked “tired” without makeup. For three months, I slathered on retinol like frosting while quietly resenting my reflection. Then I stumbled on neurologist Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research: Our brains physically rewire in our 30s to prioritize emotional efficiency. Translation? We stop tolerating BS that doesn’t serve us – including toxic criticism.
That week, I dumped the guy and kept the wrinkles.
The Science of Self-Worth
Confidence isn’t some mystical trait – it’s neuroplasticity in action. When you consistently challenge self-doubt (e.g., speaking up instead of shrinking), you strengthen neural pathways associated with self-trust. Dr. Tara Swart’s neuroscience research shows it takes just 66 days of intentional practice to cement new beliefs.
Here’s my “anti-apology” experiment:
– Tracked every unnecessary “sorry” for a week (spoiler: 47 times)
– Replaced them with “Thank you for your patience” or silence
– Result? My team started seeking my input more. Turns out, confidence is contagious.
Practical Magic (No Crystals Required)
“Fake it till you make it” is terrible advice. Instead, try ”Borrow it till you become it.” When I needed to negotiate a raise, I channeled my inner Phoebe Waller-Bridge – literally wrote “What Would Fleabag Do?” on my notebook. Silly? Maybe. Effective? Got a 20% salary bump.
Another game-changer: The ‘Flawsome’ List. Every Sunday, I jot down:
1. Something I messed up (e.g., burned dinner)
2. Why it made me human (my dog got extra cuddles while we ordered sushi)
3. What I learned (non-stick pans > aesthetic cast iron)
This isn’t toxic positivity – it’s strategic self-compassion. UCLA research shows treating yourself like a friend reduces cortisol levels by 23%.
The Ripple Effect
When I stopped over-apologizing, something wild happened. My quietest coworker started sharing bold ideas. My mom finally took that pottery class. Even my yoga teacher confessed she’d been using my “no-filter selfies” as inspo.
Your confidence isn’t just about you – it’s permission slip for others to glow up too.
So here’s your homework: Next time you reach for an apology, pause. Ask: Am I actually sorry… or just conditioned to shrink? Then stand in your power. And if all else fails, borrow my mantra: ”I’m not everyone’s cup of tea – and that’s how I like my coffee anyway.” ☕