Okay, real talk: how many times have you canceled plans with yourself to accommodate someone else’s “emergency” that turned out to be them needing emotional support during Love Island reruns? 🙃 Been there, burned-out-T-shirt collection included. Today, we’re diving into why setting boundaries isn’t selfish – it’s survival mode for modern women.
Let’s start with my “aha” moment. Last summer, I agreed to plan my cousin’s bridal shower while juggling a work deadline. By day three of crafting DIY floral centerpieces at 2 AM, I realized: I wasn’t being “helpful” – I was resentfully cosplaying Martha Stewart. Turns out, psychologists call this “fawning” – people-pleasing so hard you erase yourself (Dr. Thema Bryant’s research on trauma responses explains this perfectly).
Here’s the tea ☕: A UCLA study found women use 20% more “tentative language” (“maybe,” “just,” “if that’s okay”) in professional emails than men. We’re literally apologizing for existing before making requests! I tested this by rewriting a single work email:
Original: “Just wondering if maybe we could discuss the timeline whenever you have a moment?”
Revised: “Let’s finalize the timeline by Friday 5 PM. Does 3 PM tomorrow work?”
Result? My (male) client responded faster AND called me “thorough.” The audacity of competence!
Workplace energy vampires? Let’s expose them. That colleague who “quick-pings” you at 9 PM? Science says checking emails after-hours spikes cortisol (stress hormone) by 28% (American Psychological Association, 2022). My solution? An auto-responder stating my working hours, plus a 20-minute buffer before replying to non-urgent messages. Productivity went up, anxiety went down – take that, hustle culture!
Now, onto relationships. My therapist dropped this bomb: “If you feel guilty setting boundaries, it means they were overdue.” Mic drop. When I started saying “I can’t talk after 10 PM” to my drama-prone friend, she initially sulked. But guess what? Our convxs got deeper because I wasn’t half-asleep resenting her.
Try this boundary hack: Replace “I’m sorry, but…” with “What works for me is…” It’s magic. When my mom demanded weekly family Zooms (I live in Lisbon; she’s in Ohio), I said: “What works is biweekly calls where we’re both present.” Cue initial guilt trips… until she admitted our 90-minute quality chats beat four rushed ones.
The juicy part? Boundaries attract better relationships. After I stopped tolerating last-minute cancellations, my circle shrunk… then transformed. My new hiking buddy texts, “Rain check? Need to recharge” – and I respect her MORE. It’s like weeding a garden; space lets good stuff grow.
Self-love isn’t bubble baths (though yes to those!). It’s looking at your calendar and going “NOPE” to anything that makes your soul yawn. Three months into my boundary journey, I:
– Wrote a client contract limiting weekend calls
– Told my partner I need 45 mins alone after work
– Blocked Sundays for absolutely nothing
Result? I finally read that novel collecting dust AND stopped feeling like an over-caffeinated raccoon.
Your turn: Start small. Next time someone asks, “Can you…” – pause. Is this a “hell yes” or a “sigh, fine”? Your energy is couture – stop lending it out like fast fashion. 💅