Okay, let’s get real for a second. 👀 Remember that time your coworker asked you to cover her shift again while she jets off to Cabo, and you said yes even though your cat’s birthday (yes, Mr. Whiskers has a calendar reminder) was that same weekend? Or when your mom guilt-tripped you into skipping your therapy session to help organize Aunt Linda’s 7th divorce party? 🙃 Been there, worn the “I’m a martyr” t-shirt, burned it in a ceremonial bonfire.
Here’s the tea: I used to think “selfish” was a dirty word. Then I discovered it’s literally coded into our biology. A Harvard study found women’s brains light up like Christmas trees 🎄 when prioritizing others’ needs… and then proceed to dump cortisol (the stress hormone) into our bloodstreams like it’s a frat party. Meanwhile, anthropologist Dr. Eleanor Strauss notes that in matriarchal societies (cough the Mosuo people cough), women who prioritize personal autonomy live 12-15 years longer than their self-sacrificing counterparts. Let that sink in while you’re folding your third load of laundry for your teenage son who definitely knows how to use a washing machine.
Last summer, I experimented with what I call “Strategic Selfishness™.” I told my book club I wouldn’t read War and Peace just to seem cultured (hi, I’d rather watch The Bear with a glass of Malbec). I started saying “Let me check my calendar” instead of automatic yeses. The result? My migraines vanished. My creativity came back harder than low-rise jeans (controversial, I know). I even finally took that pottery class where I made a vase that looks… abstract.
But here’s the kicker: Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re filters. When I stopped being everyone’s emotional Swiss Army knife, I attracted friends who actually listen instead of just trauma-dumping. My marriage improved because I stopped resenting my husband for not noticing I was drowning (he’s not a mind reader, Karen!).
Need a starter pack? Try my 3am rule: If someone asks for a favor at 3am, would they do it for you? If not, channel your inner Britney and “Oops…” your way out. Or the “Soul Tax” system: Every time you say yes to something soul-sucking, “tax” yourself with 30 minutes of something that fuels you—even if it’s just dancing to Shakira in your pajamas.
Final thought: They called Marie Curie “selfish” for working in her lab instead of baking strudel. Rosa Parks was “difficult” for keeping her seat. Every woman who’s changed the world first changed her mind about what she owes the world. Your magic isn’t in how much you can carry—it’s in what you create with the energy you stop leaking. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my sketchbook… and zero guilt about it. ✨