Okay ladies, real talk: When was the last time you peed without someone screaming “MOOOOM” through the door? 🚽💔 Or ate a salad that wasn’t shoveled between Zoom calls? We’re out here running empires while our adrenal glands sob quietly. But after my third stress-induced eyelash fallout incident (RIP, Latisse investment), I realized: This “grind now, collapse later” vibe? It’s not wellness. It’s warfare.
Let’s flip the script. Holistic health isn’t about kale smoothies at 5 AM – it’s about hacking reality so your body stops sending you passive-aggressive SOS signals. My wake-up call? When my therapist said, “Chronic fatigue isn’t a personality trait.” 😬 Here’s how I stopped romanticizing burnout:
1. The 90-Second Rule (No, Not That TikTok Trend):
Neuroscience nerds say emotions chemically dissolve in <90 seconds…if you let them. Next time a work email makes you want to yeet your laptop, set a timer. Breathe through the panic. By 0:89, I’m usually laughing at how I almost cried over someone’s font choice. It’s like emotional Spanx – contains the chaos.
2. Protein > Perfection:
I used to “meal prep” by chewing gum aggressively while driving. Then I learned 78% of women aren’t hitting daily protein goals (per that study we all ignored). Now I keep turkey jerky in my handbag and hard-boiled eggs in the car. Judge me? Cool. My hair’s stopped falling out. 🥚🚗
3. The “Shower Meditation” Scam – Debunked:
Who has time for 20-minute OM sessions? Not us. My version: Lathering shampoo while mentally listing 3 non-work things I’m grateful for (Today’s winners: non-sweaty subway seats, Spanx without crotch snaps, and that guy who finally stopped cc’ing me on irrelevant threads). Gratitude’s a muscle – flex it while multitasking.
4. Strategic Laziness:
Outsourced grocery delivery. Hired a teen to teach me TikTok dances (legit tax-deductible as “mental health education”). Switched to 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. Every saved minute gets reinvested into staring at walls. Glorious.
5. The Joy Audit:
Every Sunday, I ask: “What felt like life this week, and what felt like capitalism’s boot on my neck?” Canceled book club (sorry, Karens). Started bath-time astrophysics podcasts. Cut “shoulds” like toxic boyfriends.
Here’s the tea: Wellness isn’t about adding more to your plate. It’s about finally admitting that “having it all” was a trap set by patio furniture ads. The real flex? Saying “I’ll nap instead” without apology. Your turn. 💅