Okay girls, let’s get real. Last week, I accidentally spent $78 on “essentials” at Sephora (who knew mini perfume vials counted as investments?) 💸 Meanwhile, my Roth IRA quietly gained $112. This is why we need to talk about money – not the boring “eat lentils for retirement” kind, but the glitter-infused version of financial literacy where we outsmart the patriarchy one ETF at a time.
Let’s start with a spicy truth bomb: Women hold 80% of consumer purchasing power globally (McKinsey data, but let’s pretend I discovered this while reorganizing my closet). Yet somehow, we’re still conditioned to treat finance like a mysterious boy’s club. I used to think “diversification” meant rotating between nude lipsticks. Then I learned something revolutionary: Money isn’t grown-up Monopoly cash – it’s literally future-you currency.
🚨 Myth-Busting Time 🚨
“Women aren’t risk-takers” → FALSE. We literally risk our lives giving birth and our sanity dating Tinder cryptobros. A Fidelity study found women investors outperform men by 0.4% annually – not because we’re “cautious,” but because we research more and panic-sell less. My friend Jess turned her pottery side-hustle profits into a REIT portfolio during lockdown. Now she jokes about being “landlord to three office buildings and one very confused fern.”
Here’s my unsexy secret weapon: The 5pm Rule. Every weekday at 5pm – whether I’m rage-scrolling or watching paint dry – I spend 7 minutes on money stuff. Last month this included:
1. Switching to a high-yield savings account (earns more than my dating life)
2. Automating $25/week into fractional Tesla shares (take THAT, Elon’s child support bills)
3. Negotiating my phone bill using a ChatGPT script (“I’ll literally cry on Yelp reviews”)
Let’s talk about the pink elephant in the room: The Motherhood Penalty. For every child a woman has, her lifetime earnings decrease 4% per kid (while men’s often INCREASE). My solution? Treat your uterus like a Fortune 500 company. Start a “baby or beach house?” compound interest calculator. My friend Maria’s “egg-freezing vs. index funds” spreadsheet went viral at her law firm – turns out frozen eggs have lower ROI than Vanguard accounts.
The ultimate power move? Financial “sleeping beauty” strategies – things that work while you Netflix. My current trifecta:
1. Round-up apps funding my “future face cream” account (aging is expensive y’all)
2. Dividend stocks in menstrual product companies (get paid when other women bleed – dark but profitable)
3. P2P lending through apps that feel less sketchy than Bumble
Here’s what NOBODY tells you: Money is emotional algebra. When I finally understood my “money script” (turns out my “treat yourself” mentality came from watching Mom hide shoe boxes from Dad), I started hacking it. Now I match every impulse purchase with an investment: $60 highlighters? That’s $60 into my “future dog’s trust fund.”
Three game-changing resources that don’t suck:
1. The “Broke Millennial” audiobook (perfect for pretending to care about spreadsheets during spin class)
2. Robinhood’s “learn and earn” program (get free stock for watching 3-minute cartoons)
3. Allison’s “Finance for Hot Messes” newsletter (sample tip: “If you can name 5 Kardashians, you can learn options trading”)
Final thought: Next time someone says “women don’t understand money,” show them this – then charge them a consulting fee. 💅