Hey lovelies! 👋 Let’s get real – parenting feels like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions 90% of the time, right? 😅 Last week, my 6-year-old proudly showed me a “dinosaur” he drew that looked suspiciously like a squashed meatball. My autopilot response? “Wow, good job, sweetie!” But later, I froze mid-dishwashing: Am I raising a praise junkie?
Turns out, hollow compliments (“You’re so smart!” “You’re the best!”) backfire BIG time. Psych research shows kids start performing tasks for the reward of praise rather than internal motivation (looking at you, Carol Dweck and your epic “Mindset” book 📚). My “good job” habit? Basically training them to seek external validation like TikTok likes.
Here’s what I’ve switched to instead:
1️⃣ “Tell me about this purple volcano!” (Specific curiosity > vague praise)
When my daughter built a LEGO tower taller than our coffee table, I bit my tongue. Instead of cheering, I asked questions. Her 10-minute monologue about “earthquake-proof architecture” taught me more than any parenting podcast.
2️⃣ Embracing the ~glorious mess~ of failure
Last month, my son insisted on making pancakes solo. Cue eggshells in batter, flour on the ceiling fan, and a smoke detector concert 🚨. Instead of rushing to fix it, I handed him paper towels saying, “Cool experiment! What would you do differently next time?” His answer? “Use YouTube.” Fair.
3️⃣ The magic words: “I trust your judgment”
Teen rebellion starts early, y’all. When my tween wanted neon green hair streaks, I panicked. But after reading studies on controlled autonomy (shoutout to UC Berkeley’s child development lab 🔬), I said: “Hair grows back. Show me 3 salons with good reviews.” She returned with temporary dye and a safety research spreadsheet. Mic drop. 🎤
Real talk: This isn’t about being perfect. Last Tuesday, I full-on ugly-cried when my kids reenacted Lord of the Flies over iPad time. But here’s what changed: Now I name feelings instead of handing out punishments. “I’m frustrated because I value respect. How can we solve this?” works better than any timeout corner.
The kicker? Kids smell fear (and inauthenticity). When I started owning MY mistakes (“Mom really messed up that work email – time to fix it!”), they began viewing challenges as temporary rather than catastrophic. Game. Changer.
So next time your kid presents a mud pie masterpiece or fails a math test, skip the robotic praise. Get curious, get messy, and watch them bloom into tiny humans who think “I can figure this out” instead of “Do they approve?” Trust me – your future empty-nester self will thank you. 💐