Okay, let’s get real for a second. Parenting is HARD. Like, why didn’t anyone warn me that I’d be Googling “how to stop a toddler from licking the floor” at 2 AM? 😂 But amidst the chaos, I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of humans I’m raising. I don’t just want my kids to be smart or successful—I want them to be confident AND compassionate. Like, the kind of people who can stand up for themselves but also care deeply about others. Sounds dreamy, right? But how do you actually do that?
Let me start by saying: I’m not perfect. I’ve had my fair share of “mom fails” (like the time I accidentally packed my kid’s lunch with a single carrot stick and a packet of ketchup). But over the years, I’ve picked up a few things that seem to be working. And no, it’s not about forcing them to share their toys or telling them they’re special 24/7. It’s deeper than that.
First, let’s talk confidence. I used to think confidence was about praising my kids for every little thing they did. “Wow, you drew a circle! You’re a genius!” But then I read this study that blew my mind. It turns out, overpraising can actually backfire. Kids start to feel like they’re only valuable if they’re perfect, and that’s a LOT of pressure. So now, I focus on effort instead of results. Like, instead of saying, “You’re so smart!” I’ll say, “I love how hard you worked on that puzzle.” It’s a small shift, but it helps them see that it’s okay to struggle and that effort matters more than perfection.
Another thing I’ve learned is to let them take risks. I know, I know—it’s terrifying to watch your kid climb a tree or try to make their own toast. But here’s the thing: when we constantly step in to “save” them, we’re sending the message that they’re not capable. So now, I try to take a step back (even if I’m internally screaming). And guess what? They surprise me every time. My 6-year-old recently made her own PB&J sandwich, and she was SO proud of herself. Sure, there was peanut butter on the ceiling, but hey, small wins, right?
Now, onto compassion. This one’s tricky because you can’t just tell kids to “be nice.” They need to feel it. And honestly, I think it starts with how we treat them. If we’re constantly yelling or dismissing their feelings, they’re going to think that’s how you treat people. So, I’ve been working really hard to model empathy. Like, when my daughter is upset, I try to really listen and validate her feelings instead of just saying, “You’re fine.” It’s not always easy (especially when I’m juggling a million things), but it’s worth it.
I also try to involve them in acts of kindness, but in a way that feels natural. For example, we’ll bake cookies for our neighbors or donate old toys to kids in need. But I don’t make a big deal out of it—it’s just something we do as a family. I want them to see that helping others isn’t about getting praise; it’s just part of being a good human.
One thing I’ve noticed is that confidence and compassion are deeply connected. When kids feel good about themselves, they’re more likely to treat others with kindness. And when they’re kind, they feel even better about themselves. It’s this beautiful cycle that I’m trying to nurture in my own home.
Of course, there are days when I feel like I’m failing at all of this. Like, the other day, my son told me I was “the worst mom ever” because I wouldn’t let him have ice cream for breakfast. (Spoiler: I cried in the bathroom.) But then, later that day, he randomly hugged me and said, “You’re the best mom ever.” And that’s the thing about parenting—it’s messy and unpredictable, but it’s also full of these little moments that remind you why you’re doing it.
So, if you’re out there trying to raise confident, compassionate kids, just know you’re not alone. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about showing up and trying your best. And hey, if all else fails, there’s always bribery. (Kidding… kind of.)